For a good part of Fall 2013, I was decisively down. I struggled to do my homework, I fought to go to class and to work. I fought to get out of bed. I cried a lot, even for me (I'm a huge crier, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, you name it, I probably cry). I was seriously discouraged. I was taking classes I hated for a program I had zero interest in, and only pursuing at all because I felt like I had to pursue a bachelors degree, even though my chosen career, PTA, only requires a two year Associate of Science degree.
This semester I changed my major to English, with the idea that if I had to pursue a bachelors degree, it might as well be personally interesting to me. The classes were marginally better. Better, because English, reading, and writing have always been subjects that I enjoyed. Marginally, because by this point I was so fed up with the whole college experience that nothing could make it better. My attitude towards professors' hoops and towards the hoops of higher education has deteriorated drastically.
So, that's why I haven't written a blog post in three months. I've been jumping through the hoops and it killed my desire to write on my own time. Now classes are over and my appetite for writing has returned (thank God!). I'm hoping that the burnout I'm experiencing will lessen with some time off, an maybe after the PTA program I'll feel something other than dread when I think about finishing my bachelor degree. I promised my mom that I would finish the damn degree. But if I feel like this I don't know if I can. These last two semesters have made me deeply unhappy and negative towards college. The problem, I think, is not with school itself, but with the way that higher education is an arbitrary system that people must traverse in order to be successful. If I needed a bachelors degree to achieve the career I want, then I would do it. It's difficult when the only reason I'm working so hard is to get a piece of paper with some letters on it. That that stupid piece of paper will be what means I can make a career switch in the future rankles.
To be fair, I was in one class that did what I always thought college was suppose to do- it made me think critically. Critical Approaches to Literature opened up dialogue about difficult and complicated topics, like gender identities, race, equality, and society, and created a space where people of wildly different perspectives and opinions could think and talk about it. The never-ending readings and discussions primed my mind to view culture differently. It is habit now to think critically about what I'm reading and seeing. The class taught me that literature, media, movies, music, all the things that make up the creative imagination of a culture, are a window to the society we live in and it's priceless to be able to identify and interpret what you see through that window.
To be fair, I was in one class that did what I always thought college was suppose to do- it made me think critically. Critical Approaches to Literature opened up dialogue about difficult and complicated topics, like gender identities, race, equality, and society, and created a space where people of wildly different perspectives and opinions could think and talk about it. The never-ending readings and discussions primed my mind to view culture differently. It is habit now to think critically about what I'm reading and seeing. The class taught me that literature, media, movies, music, all the things that make up the creative imagination of a culture, are a window to the society we live in and it's priceless to be able to identify and interpret what you see through that window.
Now I've finished my final final. The summer is stretching ahead of me, a refreshing oasis after 9 months in the desert that is college (dramatic, I know). I leave in just 5 days for San Diego and Hawaii. The days are dragging by, as countdowns to really excellent things always seem to do. Before I know it, I'll be on the road, figuratively and literally leaving behind the remnants of these last two semesters. I'm going to try to forget about college and the frustration and angst (cause, let's be real, there's a good dose of angstiness here), and let myself just enjoy the epic summer ahead of me.
Hopefully one of the schools I'm applying to will accept me, and I will start the PTA program in the fall. I'm looking forward to PTA school- I'll learn to be an expert in my field, with knowledge that is applicable and relevant to the career I want to have. It will be challenging. There will be stupid hoops. I will have to work on my attitude and my perseverance, but I'm up for it.
Time to turn a new page and do something new for a while. Time to leave the frustration and bad feelings behind so there can be room for new triumphs and a positive attitude. Tomorrow is a problem for Future Katie. Present Katie is just gonna enjoy the ride.
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